Conflicting Thoughts

I just arrived in New York. The train ride wasn’t too bad, but I’ve done it before. Just never alone like that. I guess I had that women by my side, but she wasn’t exactly the company I was looking for. I mean she wouldn’t even have a drink with me. I wanted to be somewhat prepared for my arrival here so I’ve decided to stay at one of those not so good hotels on the other side of town, because I don’t want any of my parents “allies” to find me. I miss my mother, I really do, I just keep thinking about her face when she reads that letter from the headmaster. She will be devastated. But for now I’m in a hotel room. I wish I had a view of central park or something. On the cab ride over we drove past Central Park and all I wanted to do was run through the trees with Allie and Phoebe, and maybe even D.B. (but since he is off being a prostitute in Hollywood,  I’m not sure if he’d be caught dead doing anything of the sort, but then again I wouldn’t normally be either). I guess its just the immaturity that I’m full of. I also want to go to that duck pond, that little lagoon in the south part of the park. I just wanna see if the ducks are still there, and you know, if the pond is frozen yet.  Lately I’ve been wondering a lot about those damn ducks. You know where those ducks go during the winter. Boy, I don't even know why; I just think that it would be satisfying to know. Don’t go thinking I really care about the ducks and all, I do, I’m not some sort of duck hater, but its mostly for old Phoebe because she would want to know. I want to know to too because I’m just the type of person who likes to know where things stand. I don’t always like change, its pretty damn lousy most of the time but sometimes its okay. Just an hour ago, when we were driving in the cab the lousy driver stopped us at some corner, and a young girl came running around the sidewalk. Her mom grabbed her hand, and she kind of just stood there for a second and the little girl stared with her eyes real wide at the cars as if she had never seen anything like them before, (that nearly killed me) and her toe didn't even touch the street. I just kept thinking about what would have happened had she gotten hurt, and if her mother hadn't pulled her back in time. Imagine how that would change your life. I’m terrifically crazy I know, and I don’t make much sense either, but just think about it. Think about that feeling you get when you don’t know what is about to happen. That moment when you are that girl's mother, and you see your daughter about to run into the goddam street. Now that I’m in New York I think that I’ll be experiencing that lousy feeling more. I mean I don't even know what I'm doing in New York; I have enough dough to stay anywhere. All I know is that I’m staying at the Edmont Hotel. 

-HC

Out & Away

Just a short hour or two ago I left Pencey for good. I hardly said good bye. I tried to say something to a few people, but the rest of those phonies, those boys who "apply" themselves at Pency and their teachers who would constantly buy into their stupid existence as phonies, I didn’t need to say goodbye too. They were too ashamed of my being at their helluva good school anyway. I’m on a train now. When I got to the station I asked for a one way ticket to New York. I’m surprised the man working the booth didn’t ask me why I was leaving, or why I was going so late at night. It seems like everyone these days is either trying to avoid you or get right smack in the middle of your business, and find out every last goddamn awful problem in your life. Reminds me of Ackley, my roommate back at Pency. He was one of those people that always wanted to know what you were doing. I had always found it to be a little invasive and all but sometimes I kind of wish I would have told him my problems. It’s not like he would have cared that much. The ticket boy didn’t even ask me about Pencey (he would have known I went there because of all the stupid stickers on my luggage). Everyone knows that goddam school around here, its the kind of place that attracts attention, what with snobby phonies pouring out of it. I’m pretty glad that he didn’t ask me about it, not that I ever would of mentioned my getting the ax and all; I probably would have made up some terrifically intricate lie, if he cared enough to listen. Another thing, I'm one helluva liar. I lie to hide myself, and just for the fun of it. It comes so naturally that I'm worried it may be some sort of disease. Now I’m sitting on a train. We are moving now. I’m wearing that red hat that I picked up the day of the fencing trip. It was only a buck. Its the type of hat that changes you when you wear it. And I’m not trying to be some cheesy phony who is emotional or something like that and all its just that when I wear that hat I feel different, if that makes sense. I guess that's why I started talking to the lady in the seat next to me. Her boy went to Pencey and she happened to sit down right next to me. I knew of him, but he wasn’t a friend or anything (he was quite the opposite actually). But I just told that lady some really quite excellent lie (if I do say so myself). I told her that her son was a very intelligent boy, and how everyone "loved" him. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I’m a pleaser that way. I guess I just didn’t want her to be depressed or anything. Maybe its because I know that feeling, or I was thinking of my mother, and the way she's gonna feel when I get home. Then I did something that just about killed me, I told her that I was heading to New York before school got off because I have a tumor in the back of my brain. Now she thinks I’m off to New York to have a big operation on my brain. My goddam brain! I can’t believe she bought that. People are so easily fooled if you tell them a sad story, it seems like some sort of human flaw of something. Not that I am saying its bad to be caring and loving and all, its just that we let sad stuff conquer us. I would say I have that flaw. I’m definitely not the happy kid my sister Phoebe is. Old Phoebe, now she is a wonderful kid. I miss her, I hope I'll see her soon, I would call her but I don't want my parents to find out about the little vacation I seem to have taken from Pencey. They don’t even know about the grand old ax of Holden Caulfield(that's what I have called my departure from Pencey)yet.

-HC

Reminiscing On Pencey

I was standing on a hill, alone, when I first got the idea to blog. And well that’s kind of fitting. I mean my life in the past couple weeks has just been lousy. I got the ax from Pencey Prep (my school) last week. I’m supposed to leave after winter term ends, because I’m failing out of all my classes (except English- if that makes any difference). It’s been sort of like torture the past couple days, because they still make me stay here. Everyone else is off  rooting  for the football team, signing up for next terms classes, and planning their holidays. But, I’m still here for some god awful reason that I do not know, I mean I  could have probably left any day this past week, they probably wouldn’t exactly have cared, but I’m still here, for now. They want me to be gone by Wednesday. I mean its not like I didn’t enjoy Pencey. Maybe it was the people or something. Most of the guys here are rich phonies who walk around thinking they’re hot-shots. My roommate Stradlater, he isn’t that lousy, he just acts like one of those hot-shots but he really isn't one. I guess I can’t really blame him when he goes to a school like Pencey, its just one of those places that turns you into what it wants you to be. Anyways, I’ll miss him when I’m gone. God I sound like I’m dying. I’m not, if  that wasn’t clear, and its not like this is a real new experience for me. I’ve received the old ax from more schools than most people attend in their lifetimes. It’s not because I’m a moron, I mean I think I’m a bit immature but I wouldn’t say I was god awful at everything, its just that I’m not the type of smart that keeps one in school if you know what I mean. I’m not like my brother Allie. We’ll get back to him later. Well anyways, while I was walking down towards my dorm I saw James, some spirited snob of a boy who was on the fencing team with me, here at Pencey. He gave me this loaded stare and I could tell he wanted to kill me, and not just have me leave the school he adored. It’s not like I ever did anything to hurt that moron, but I had done something that made him mad. Actually, I did something that made the whole team terrifically angry if I recall correctly (and I do). I’ll recount that story to you another time. But god, James looked at me as if I had murdered his dog, and all I did was nod. I nodded because most of the time I don't know exactly what to do with myself when I am confronted by people. I’m lousy at that sort of thing. Its not that I didn’t want to punch him for alienating me against the whole team, I just didn’t want to cause another big scene before I left the goddam school. Jesus, what I would have given to get out of there. I continued walking after that, in a suave manner, in case any other guys from that damn fencing team saw me. That might be a perk of getting out of here, maybe I could use my smooth nature with some girl, like old Jane. Jane’s a good friend back from the summers I spent in Maine. Boy, old Jane, I wish I could talk to her right now.

-HC

About Me

HELLO INTERNET

My name is Holden Caulfield and I live in a lousy world filled with phonies.

I’ve received the good old ax from more schools than I can recall, but in case you care to know, I’m done with that now.

On this blog you will read about my adventure away from my final and one helluva school, Pencey Prep, and about how a lot of things nearly kill me.